Born into a world full of misery and greed, hustling through life, tired and frail in old age, not knowing where one is headed after death. Struggling to stay afloat in the sea of suffering. Where’s the meaning in such a life? 

Long before I knew anything about enlightenment or our true nature, I knew that I never wanted to be born again. Since I was a little girl, there has been an immense pinning for love and acceptance from other adult beings in my life. But seeped in an unconscious way of life, the only way a semblance of love and acceptance could be received was through achievements and fitting in. In a desperate attempt to escape from the intense pain gnawing at the little heart, I did all I could to achieve whatever could be achieved and faked my personality to be likeable. But this rift within brought about by this abject and intentional pretension and no matter how hard I tried, the inability to attain the unachievable standard that was set by society (and family) only further aggravated the pain. The pining caused the striving for success, the striving and failing caused pain, and the pain caused more desperate pining for love: this became a repeating vicious cycle throughout the growing years.

Around when I entered adulthood, the pain was getting close to being unbearable and since then, as there seemed to be a new found freedom to make my own decisions, I did several things in a desperate attempt to somehow find this love and acceptance. Major life decisions were made from this place of lack, all of which inevitably led to more pain. But this period of defeat after defeat and the growing pain it brought about finally nudged the heart to turn inward and ponder why my life (and also that of the majority people of the world, for I realised that almost every human being was perhaps desperate for the same love and acceptance) was crippled by so much pain and suffering. I was often shaken and in tears because of the realisation that human life, both physically and psychologically, is so fragile and that anything could happen to anyone anytime and that no matter what anyone did to seemingly secure their life, what is destined to happen happens. I was enraged with God that he would allow so much suffering to persist. But enraged though I was with God, I went back to him again and again because I realised that no other human being could help me understand this suffering. And even though it seemed for a while that God did not heed to my prayers, I have now come to realise that his grace had been gently turning me towards him all along.

Through a friend, I was introduced to many enlightened Masters of the past and all of their teachings pointed out that suffering is an illusion and that one’s true nature is love and bliss; at the time I first came across this, I couldn’t even fathom what they meant by that. But when I was pregnant, I read the Autobiography of a Yogi and for the first time, began to understand a little about what the Self is and how a guru could greatly help in one’s remembrance of the Self; naturally, I prayed that I be led to my guru. Then, during my child’s birth, I experienced what could have been a heightened state of Consciousness; the word awareness started making sense to me after that and I began seeking an answer to what was experienced. 

This led me to Ramana Maharishi. And in his teachings, I finally found an answer to what suffering is and how it could be ended. But still, the truth of his teachings did not completely dawn on me and imprisoned by the mind, I struggled in my path of Self-inquiry. But by then, because of the challenges in my life and the emotional and physical pain they led to, my prayers to God to lead me to my guru and ultimately, to my freedom grew fervent and deep. 

On a seemingly normal evening, I came across on social media information on a retreat. From what I read, I assumed that it was a session on non-duality and registered to attend. Little did I know then that my prayers were going to be answered and that it was immense grace and blessing that had arranged this auspicious meeting. Within a couple of minutes of the beginning of the satsang, I was blown away by the realisation that I was in the Presence of Consciousness in human form. 

Then too, as I’m still entrenched in my egoic mind, in the days following the satsang, I had many doubts: Is he really Consciousness? Is there a foul play involved? Could he really be my guru? Would I be exploited or brain-washed in some way? Can I trust him? But something within must have recognised this grace, for I felt deeply called to attend another satsang. The depth of the words spoken during this satsang could not be understood fully by the mind, but the heart listened and it became undeniably clear to me that God was calling me to him and now it was up to me to answer this calling or wallow away in lifetimes after lifetimes of suffering. Taking a leap of faith in God, in deep reverence and gratitude, I joined the Heart is Home volunteering sangha.

Serving the Movement under the guidance of a living Master means an unceasing call to the Heart to gather the courage to look at the gnarls encumbering the gushing of Love through it. The ways of the mind are continually brought to light and one cannot serve unless one is willing to be fully truthful to oneself and is willing to sit with all that is arising within oneself. It is both shocking and painful to face the deep feelings of lack of love and acceptance that I have been holding on to since childhood. But being here in a Master’s Presence and with Beings who are also alight in realising their true nature is making it possible to have the courage to look at this emptiness within. It is now more than a year since that first satsang; from being sure that “I know this/that,” the heart is slowly, slowly, drifting towards openness and not knowing, making way for grace to enter my Being and work its way into my heart. And through all this, the anguish I had been carrying within for almost three decades has somehow relented a little. It is as if in return for my little service to life, life has cracked open my heart to see the grace that I have always been receiving.

I thought I knew God. I used to ask him for things. Blame him when suffering hit. Thank him when things went the way I wanted them to. God was someone I needed to appease with pujas and morality. God was outside of me, incomprehensible and inaccessible. One of the most blessed insights gained during my time here so far has been that God need not be attained; that God is in the truthful looking of the heart. All the pujas, rituals, breathing exercises, chanting… all these were diversions from honest looking and strengthened the illusion that there is a path to go on to God. Now though, the goals of advancing spiritually and attaining enlightenment are crumbling as the earnestness in the looking is deepening. And there is heartfelt gratitude for this grace.

I used to indulge in the seemingly normal worldly way of life (doing physically and emotionally draining, meaningless work, immersion in TV and movies, partying, people-pleasing, pretending, achieving) to distract myself from the pain within that was caused by the tendencies of the mind. But humbled by suffering, now I can’t do that anymore. Suffering has mellowed my heart enough that I can’t distract myself anymore from the longing to taste freedom, joy, and love.

Oh, what a blessing it is that when this longing is lit within my Being, I’m here.

In gratitude,

Yamuna